Venting is different than complaining.

Where do I begin? This has been the weirdest last few days in awhile. I was getting ready today thinking, why do I feel let down here? Is it just me or is it because of him? Can someone be a "let down"? Or is it just another's perception? I say to you, yes. Meaning it goes both ways. Someone can definitely be a let down, or you can decide for yourself whether you'll let them be. I'm gonna go with the first one, but down the road, I hope to switch to the second one. I want to get to a point where I don't care when I shouldn't. My problem? I certainly DO care, too much. I'm just that kind of person and it's natural for me to care about anything and everything. But during certain circumstances, I wish I was more passive and numb to it. I feel like being that way wouldn't leave any room for people to let me down. Going along with this, I'm a firm believer in being happy on your own. I feel like one must be stable, independent, and happy on their own before they can let someone into their lives that might change that. How easy is it for someone to make you feel bad, low, or insecure? SO. I feel like I'm constantly striving to be that girl that doesn't depend on anyone else for MY happiness. My attitude, feelings, and emotions are MY responsibility. 

Obviously, I'm boy bitter right now. Why am I putting in more effort than they are? Is that wrong? I think so. I believe in balance and equality. I don't think anyone is better than the next. Why do I put up with so much when I know I deserve better? I'll tell you. Because every girl, including myself feels like they can help or fix a boy... or at least has a burning desire to do so. Sometimes I feel like it's my responsibility to help some of the guys get back on track with their lives, and it partly is. However, when it interferes with my life and my well-being and my confidence, it's gone too far. I need to be there for them, but not get sucked into their ways. This topic brings me to the next question/concern...

What am I doing to attract these kind of guys? I'm also a firm believer that you attract your equal -- you get what you give. I feel bad when I think, I must be doing something to attract the crowd that I am. But, I know that's not entirely true, and I shouldn't think like that. However, it's hard not to. I've been in this place before where I've felt alone and low, and I wrote myself a journal entry. It read, 
"I've become this really insecure and dependent girl. I'm pushing my family away, the ones i love the most. I'm allowing people to depict my feelings and moods. From this day on, I'm going to stand a little taller, I'm going to drive myself harder, I'm gonna be the strong-willed and confident girl that I used to be. I'm gonna be genuinely happy with myself. I'm not gonna depend on others for my happiness. I'm gonna grow closer to the Lord and share my burdens with Him. I'm gonna grow more spiritual and down to earth. I'm gonna surround myself with people that bring out the best in me and don't put me down. I'm gonna love someone and take a risk of getting very hurt. I'm gonna be the smart, intelligent student that I've been. I'm taking on the old me as of now." -written August 9th, 2009 @ 3:13am

I WILL get back to that strong-willed, confident young woman I used to be. I need to be completely happy on my own before I can seriously let someone into my life. I know that everything around me is happening for a reason and the Lord's way of showing His approval or disapproval, but that doesn't make it easy -- not like I expect anything to be easy entirely, but you know what I mean. I'm ready to do me and get to being the Brooke Christine Baxter I'm meant to be. 

PS) I have the greatest girlfriends in the world.

BIG thank you to Kelly Sunbury & Meghan Bodily :)

Love you girls!

Lyrics to one of my very favorite songs:

Stephanie Smith

"Better Off Alone"

I used to find myself attracted to the boys with broken wings.

They kept me grounded and distracted from the wounded parts of me

And still I swore he would be different, although his story read the same.

With a little fixing, he'd be perfect, yeah, but once again, I stand corrected.

I should've known better 'cause it only feels worse each time. 
And I'd better surrender this search. 

'Cause I know until someone finds me and inspires me to be better, 
Well, I'm better off alone.

And when the right one comes, how will I tell that it's not just some disguise?

Well, I'll see a stronger version of myself reflected in his eyes.

And looking back now I can say, that I've never been quite sure

about that love that I told myself was real. Oh and each invitation that I settled for.


I should've known better 'cause it only feels worse each time.
And I'd better better this search.
'Cause I know until someone finds me and inspires me to be better,
Well, I'm better off alone.